“Hot and bothered” has long referred to romance and those sparks of chemistry between you and the one you love, but if you have a chronic illness, romance may be the last thing on your mind. Chronic illness can quickly redefine “hot” to mean the symptoms of a thyroid condition, night sweats, or a hot heating pad. “Bothered” is something you feel every night when you are annoyed you can’t sleep. For examle, achy joints, a dog who snores from his resting place on your pillow, and a spouse that can sleep through anything. Romantic evenings may be the last thing on your mind in your home!

Nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S. which means that a lot of marriages are disrupted by this uninvited third party of illness, often including mental illness as well. Seventy-five percent of marriages end in divorce. But romantic ideas don’t have to be used just on Valentine’s Day.

So, how can you add back some of that spark? I’ve got some romantic ideas that will tell your hubby “I love you” even when you are in chronic pain.

You have to give it your best effort and avoid excuses. “I’m so tired and had such a hard day. I feel terrible.” I’ve said them all so I understand. Unfortunately the circumstances won’t likely change, so you have to change your attitude in order to have the benefit of getting to the joy of romance. Let yourself relax and push past the pain and see if you can forget a good chunk of it. Distraction can be a wonderful thing.

Make romance a priority in your house! Rather than cleaning your house all day and mopping those floors, take a nap so that you have some quality time with your spouse that night. Make sure he feels valued and important and not just “one more thing to take care of.”

Do whatever it takes to be enthusiastic for your romantic evening. If you go out for a nice dinner, don’t tell him over the menu, “I actually feel pretty sick, so I don’t know what to eat. I really am going out just as a favor for you.” (That’s won’t turn your loved one on in the least!) Even if your romance is just dinner out, enjoy talking about some dreams you still have or what your hopes are for the future. Avoid talking about your illness or how it could change them all at the drop of a hat.

Even if you don’t have the gift of writing poetry, do something that tells your spouse how much you appreciate him. Cover a page with sentences of things you appreciate and love using different colored markers. Make up a mini-photo albumn.

Make a list of all the things you notice he does that you don’t usually thank him for: taking out the garbage, getting you medication in the middle of the night, giving your child a bath, cleaning out the litter box. Type out a sheet of all of this stuff in fun fonts and different colors.

Women, get out of the grandma section of underwear and buy something red, black or anything that doesn’t have waist bands wider than an inch. Stop being so self-conscious.

Text message him something daring or outrageously romantic that you would have said when you first fell in love. Back before text-messaging existed.

Give him a home-made coupon for something he would like but doesn’t splurge on very often such as, “Good for 5 guilt-free hours with your friends watching football.” Avoid making him feel guilty whenever he wants to do something you can participate in (like going hiking or riding a roller coaster.)

Perfect marriages will never exist, but a even a marriage that has an illness can be a huge blessing and not just a state of survival. Romance comes in many ways. I remember loving my husband more than ever the night I couldn’t not move because of a rheumatoid arthritis flare. I “slept” sitting on the couch and he spent the night on the floor beside the couch to comfort me every time I screamed from the pain.

Love comes in many forms. One of the books I’ve bought all the couples in my life is “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs. It talks a lot about “love languages” and how men feel loved when they feel respected, while women want to feel loved with emotions and words. Oftentimes we are offering our spouse what we desire rather than the “love language” they need. Being aware of all of the small ways we can show each other love and respect add up to romance when you least expect it.

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